Part 9

Just kidding. VV

I walk down the longest hallway I've ever seen for no reason but to remind me that I'm in a castle. Hey, fuckos, I'm a Princess, I don't need reminding. I could buy and sell your ass just to feed it to my Chihuahua. Tinkerbell loves to eat asses.

About three and a half hours later, I make it to a staircase descending into darkness. I shrug and figure, hell, why not? I'm a big girl, and obviously, I kick ass at adventuring.

I step down onto the top stair and somehow trip over my own feet, falling down about forty marble steps onto my face. Ten years of ballet and I can't even walk like a grown up.

The floor appears to be made out of someone's small intestine. I'm not complaining, because it sure was soft to land on, but you'd think they'd choose a material that smells less like human shit. Who the fuck owns this place? It's like Martha Stewart's worst nightmare.

Even the flames are depressed. It's not so hard to decorate, you know. A few bolts of taffeta draped over the walls and a nice hardwood would do wonders. It's not a crime to be fashionable in your own dungeon.

And we are two wild and crazy... well yeah you get the idea.

As he said, it's a maze. Mazes always suck, no matter what. No exceptions. The gaudy gothic decor continues throughout this level, but a few floors down there's a pretty rockin' disco. I take some time to boogy with the fella in the middle there, but when he refuses to buy me a drink I kill him like the swine he is. Like I'd sleep with him for nothing. I'm a high-quality woman and as such I deserve a high-quality man. One who buys me drinks or at least throws some money towards me before I put out.

I emerge from the dungeon into, great, yet another abandoned village. Who the crap built this deathtrap kingdom? <>

Yeah, you know, I understand that nobody's living here right now, but what the fuck good is a house with just a table? Where did they sleep? What did they eat, for that matter? And in case you think they might've had a lush furniture set in the basement...

YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG. <>

This is like the cabin from Evil Dead. That makes me uneasy, because we all know what happens to girls in Evil Dead movies.

Your boyfriend.

Oops, I hope it wasn't too serious.

Oh, whew. Thank God there's no fire. That would clearly be the most dangerous thing in these dungeons. I mean, giant slime that looks like a mass of flesh that shouldn't be alive? Gang raping aliens spawning from sticky clitoral masses? The fucking Reaper? Oh yeah, no problem.

But FIRE.

Well.


Next Time: REUNION. FOR REAL THIS TIME.